HOW NOT TO GET A JOB

15/02/2012

These steps will guarantee that you NEVER get that dream job, promotion and even that first interview!

 

* Send a shabby incomplete un-updated cv, with little information, missing dates, missing employment details, one liner job descriptions, no education details...and no telephone number!

* Respond telephonically to a job advertisement sounding really sleepy, uninterested and having no clue which ad you are responding to.

* Sending a please call me to a job advertisement.* Emailing your cv exposing all recipients as you haven´t bothered to personalise for that particular job and just keep endlessly emailing your cv to every advertisement.

* When a client is kind enough to include cell number in the advertisement, be sure to call it late a night or during the weekend.

* Being impatient and rude to receptionist but incredibly polite to agent or client hiring.

* Never following up or trying to build report/relationship with agent.

* Turning up late for your first interview as there was ´traffic´ and you ´got lost´ or ´your car broke down´ 

* Sweaty armpits, smelling like you took a bath in your perfume, untidy unruly hair, dirty nails.

* Making no effort to dress corporately and going dressed for your Sunday barbeque.

* Smelly breathe.

* Tobacco/nicotine/alcohol breathe.

* Sweaty palms, fidgety nervous hands, nose picking, crotch adjusting, overexposed cleavage.

* Pompous arrogant ´know it all´ ´been there-done that´ attitude

* Resistant to change, have nothing more to learn.

* Laughing so loud bringing back horror memories or karaoke night gone all wrong.

* Inability to listen as too busy blabbing incessantly.

* Not acknowledging all involved in the interview.

* Bringing up personal, emotional issues, deep discussions of about current state of depression and physical ailments.

* Make sure not to say thank you for the interview, that too will leave a lasting impression.

 

 

 

* Chew gum as loudly as possible.

 

* Talk salary immediately, make it clear you are only about ´the buck´ and certainly not here to advance your career and grow within the organisation.

 

* Make it clear that you HAVE to leave by 5pm everyday as you watch that clock and will not put in one extra minute if it does not involve an extra dime.

 

* Slate your current employer for the opportunity he has give you for the last 5 years

 

* Be sure to convey how you are a free spirit and get bored really easily, thats why you chop and change jobs so much.

 

* Warn them about your very jealous husband/wife who will be sure to come in to work and make a scene.

 

* Dont wash your car the day before, as au naturel is so much more refreshing (ie. stinky gym clothes, diapers, cigarettes, last year´s burger bun(low carb of course, they´ll understand).

 

*Dont research the company at all, after all you can just ´interview them´.

 

* Lie if you don´t know the answer, they will love your cunning employment of cover up skills.

 

*Dont smile - life is tough and working sucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do..

 

* Talk religion, they will love to see your pious side - get personal, pray for them and their sins and be sure to convince them that by the end of the day, you will ´save´ them.

 

* Forget their name often through out the interview, Amy - Jane - Susan...they´re all the same right?

 

* Keep your cell phone on, that hot chick may just call...keep your blue tooth on, have to look busy and important and totally not bothered with the babbling from the prospective employer.

 

*Be sure to mention that they will find someone much better than you, don´t make a case as to why you would be suitable at all.

 

*Yawn, try to have many awkward silences expressing your boredom, slouch and interrupt as much as possible.

 

*Take your mom or best friend along for the moral support, the more the merrier.

 

*Ask to use the bathroom...mention all that bran and how it keeps you regular.

 

*Complain about as much as possible and especially that the interviewer kept you waiting, how dare...

 

*Check the time continuously.

 

* Ask her when she´s due...

 

*Recommend Weighless & colonic´s.

 

*Name drop, you´re popular and they should know who they´re dealing with.

 



HR Corporation, www.hrcorp.co.za have a fantastic e book available for online purchase that will equip you every step of the way - ´Get Hired Today´ - we have over a decades experience in recruitment and WANT to help you.

Fax: 0866141595 | Email: [email protected]

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